Wow, did I really think like this a year ago? Damn, chick. Grow up.

Translating A Girl

The incomplete and utterly random guide

Note: So, I reread this post and realized how totally ridiculous it is. Wow, it's amazing how much people change.

It's been a widely acknowledged and spread stereotype that girls and guys are as different as oranges and bananas --no pun intended ;). Sure, the armies of men and women have our differences, wars, fights, shouts, bitch-slaps, and many soldiers to chastity... but down to the soul, we're one and the same. Man, Woman. Male, Female. Without women, males would not exist [unless, of course, humans resort to hermaphrodite-ism] Without "male" or "man", there would be no "woman" or "female." See, we complete each other (well, in English at least).

What does a Sixteen-year-old lip-virgin have to say about relationships? Honestly, what a relationship really takes is the mind. I can preach about it, or I can get to the point of this blog post. x] I've just been feeling random, and felt inspired to do this. Feel free to call me on it if I'm wrong, since these are only behavior patterns I've observed from myself and friends. :] For the sake of my self-image, I'd like to say that these are not ALL from experience, and many are from friends.

Well, let it rain flowers and unicorns! :D

PMS.
Premenstrual syndrome. Seriously guys, suck it up. A PMS-ing girl isn't nearly as horrible as guys describe it. I'm going to refrain myself from rampaging on about how unfair it is that girls have to suffer through this every month (or if you're lucky, every three or twelve months) and spare your sanity. Sure, girls do get more emotional and sensitive, but come on. She's just being more HUMAN. If guys could grow more sensitive and mature, the world would be a better place.

Situation 1:
girl: "I feel like shit, I'm PMSing."
guy: "Thanks for the warning."

Great job dick, you just dug your own grave. What kind of an ass tells someone who's feeling shitty "oh thanks, I'll just go away now and let you wallow in yourself."

Situation 2:
girl: "I feel like shit, I'm PMSing. UGH."
guy: "Aw, it's okay. It'll pass. :]"

Nice guys are always rewarded. ♥

Helpful hints:

Whenever a girl is feeling horrible, she needs to be reminded that she is loved and cared for.
If your girl is mad or pissed off at something, throwing in a lame joke would usually end up with you sitting dazed and wondering where the hell that (her anger directed at your face) came from. Never, and I mean, NEVER insult her. I mean, what the hell? Sure, maybe your girl's super chill and would brush it off normally, but when somebody is pissed off... the slightest thing can end up with your foot up your ass.

Lisa Truong:
"Be a man and face her, don't act like the chickens you are. At least put up the facade that you aren't a coward and try to calm her down! Don't just run away because you're "scared to piss them off even more."

When you don't know what to say, just reassure her that you're there. Don't stay silent.
Sure, we're not all magicians. We can't snap our fingers and make everybody happy. However, when somebody is in ticking-time bomb mode, "giving her space" isn't the smartest thing to do.
Example: You accidentally kick a bear in the nuts, and now it's insanely pissed off at you.
What do you do?
A guy's instinct is to run away.
The bear isn't going to get any less pissed off, if not more.

The difference between a girl and a bear is, the bear will chase after you growling. A girl will begin questioning herself and wonder what she did that made you run away, and if she overreacted to a simple kick. Eventually, she will feel even more like shit, and you're not there to help her, because you dropped your balls and ran away.

If a girl says stop, she means STOP.
Usually, unless she is laughing, smiling, or expressing any other forms of happiness and consent, when a girl tells you to stop... you stop.

Girls want and need respect, but they're too courteous to demand it.
Girls like it when guys are protective -- it's sexy, but not grandfather protective. Personal space.
Also, never belittle a girl just because you feel like it. Sure, it's okay to slip once in a while -- it's what teenagers do, belittle each other. However, if you can consciously stop it, then STOP IT. Don't say something that you KNOW will hurt, then pass it off as "Just kidding." It doesn't make it hurt less. Also, if you do it repeatedly... eventually, that "Just kidding" will turn into a "I don't have enough balls to take your anger, but I'm too proud to say sorry... so I'll just pretend I'm kidding and hope you don't stay angry."

Girls like to be surprised.
It's more exciting that way, and if it's nothing too stupid or harmful, she's likely to forgive you.

Girls treasure their handiwork.
If a girl bakes you something, or makes something for you... treasure it like it's your life. Sure, maybe a paper star is nothing to you, or her cookies taste like dead people... she made them for you. ANYTIME somebody takes time out of their own life and create something out of their own effort especially for you, the LEAST you can do is to keep the item, if not appreciate it.
example: If a girl folds a bunch of stars for you in the middle of class just because she missed you all of a sudden, they mean a lot more than you may think. Sure, she probably wouldn't be too phased if you accidentally lose them or forget they exist, but it's going to stay on her mind. Eventually, if you don't appreciate and respect a girl or her hard work, they're never going to meet your hands again.

Girls take insults to heart. Sure, we can brush it off, but after you keep repeating something, they start wondering if you mean it. If once or twice you slip out "omg, you're so insane!", we'll be cool with it and maybe laugh along. But if you go "hey crazy," or "stop being so crazy," or "crazy, what's up?" or use that term in any regular setting... it's not funny anymore. Especially if we're in a bad mood, even the slightest slip feels like Niagara Falls. Bottom line, don't let any insulting word become a regular habit and a way of addressing her.

Girl Psychology

Despite what men say, women are actually very sensitive creatures. We filter what we say, second-guess ourselves, and by our motherly nature, place others before ourselves. [except for super selfish bitches.]

Maybe it's just me, but I hate the smell of B.O. Sure, all your sweaty basketball buddies have no problem with it, but a girl's nose is sensitive. It doesn't mean you have to smell like fruits and cupcakes all the time, but when YOU start to smell yourself, it means people around you have smelt you AGES ago. Seriously guys, deodorants were invented for a reason.
Sure, some may argue that I mind because I am not a sporty person. Believe me, girl body odor is, simply put, BETTER than guy odor. Also, by Highschool, even the most disgusting girls have developed good/adequate hygien.

Some guys say girls get angry for no reason, and it's impossible to predict or know if and when they did something wrong.
That's bullshit.

Basically, if you do something to her, and she laughs -- it's good. If you do something to her, and she ignores you, she's either tired, doesn't care, or angry. If you do something and she does it back (without laughing), it means stop doing that and NEVER do it again. If you do something to a girl, and she glares at you then ignores it, does it back in a mean way, etc.; she's had enough. It's all very difficult to explain, so...

Here are some possible scenarios:

Just Fun:
1. guy: -pokes girl repeatedly-
girl: -ignores-
guy: -pokes again-
-poke-
girl: -laughs- stop! -pokes back-

2. guy: -throws something at girl- [personally, I DESPISE having things thrown at me (especially at my head), but I do have friends who don't mind -- which I will never understand.]
girl: -reacts, but doesn't do anything-

OR

guy: -throws something at girl-
girl: -throws back-
-throw war starts-

3. guy: -calls girl a name- (seriously, this is so immature.)
girl: -laughs it off, calls it back-

You Screwed Up:

1. guy: -pokes girl repeatedly-
girl: -ignores-
guy: -pokes again-
-poke-
girl: STOP!

OR

guy: -pokes girl repeatedly-
girl: -STABS back-

2. guy: -throws something at girl-
girl responds with seriousness: "What the hell?" or "Did you just throw that at me/ my face?"

(By the way, I don't know if this opinion is shared, but I hate getting things thrown at my face. It feels as if the other person is saying I'm ugly, or my face is worthless -- thus deserves to have random and unsanitary objects thrown at it.)

OR

guy: -throws something at girl-
girl: -throws back with force- (It might not feel hard to you, but if a girl actually uses force to throw it, she wants it to hurt.)

3. [this is a special case, where the girl laughs even though she is pissed/sad. This is because she wants to pass it off casually and not seem awkward. Girls are usually reluctant to show their discomforts, in fear of becoming "high maintance" or patronizing.]

guy: -calls girl a name-
girl: -laughs nervously- that's mean!

OR

guy: -calls girl a name-
girl: -says it back seriously-

Or

guy: -calls girl a name-
girl: -ignores it repeatedly and refuses to acknowledge your existence every time that word comes out your mouth-

Well... I think I've written too much... Although I do agree that some girls can be overdramatic, annoying, and downright high-maintance, but guy's are doing their full part either. This blog covers some basic human courtisy, and although not all of these tips/rants will apply to you and/or your relationship, thanks for reading. :]

Recap:

Girls are human beings.
When a girl is in a bad mood, attacks she usually shakes off can dig into her flesh and make her bleed.

Girls are (mostly) Subtle.
When a girl complains, it's either because
1. she's married to you -- either complain now or live miserably forever, or
2. she's already took it silently for a while, and finally got fed up with you.
We usually think things over MANY times, and often we will wonder if we're in the wrong before blaming the guy. Of course, I'm not saying we're saints --sometimes we decide that it's the guy's fault without knowing his story. However, if we knew both sides, we would consider them.
Also, for fun things (like anniversaries and gifts), girls never demand them. They hint at what they want, and drop subtle reminders. If a guy picks up on the hint, it shows his sensitivity and how much he cares about her. Sure, if you forget a birthday or anniversary you may never hear about it -- but in your book, an ugly black dot is there.


Never do to a girl what you wouldn't do to yourself or your tightest guy bud.
Would you insult yourself or your best friends when you/they are feeling like shit?
Would you walk away from a friend when he's pissed?
Would you call your best friend some retarded name, even after he's told you he didn't like it?
Would you throw something at your own head repeatedly just because you're bored and feel like it?
Would you throw something at your own face at all?
Hell, you probably would remind your best friend "Dude, you're awesome." or "I love you man." So do the same for your girlfriend. Don't assume that she can read your mind.

Now I leave you with a few sample dialogues:

guy: "Are you mad at me?"
girl: "No, why would I be?"
Translation:
"Yes, you moron, I'm mad. I'm not mad at you enough to say it to your face, since I'm still not sure if it's my fault or your fault, but it doesn't mean I'm not pissed off. Also, maybe you can finally grow more mature and figure things out without me having to spell them out."
If she's really mad, insert several swear words within that monologue.

girl: -seriously- "Stop it."
Translation: "You know what? I've had enough. Why don't you stop this -rainbows- before I rip out your ---sunshinesandunicorns--?"

girl: "That's mean."
Translation: "Why would you even say something like that to me? Do you know what you just did? Do you realize how insensitive and plain STUPID that was? Do you have any bit of humanity?"

The second image contains home-made crochet figures by Vivian Tang.