Not that I enjoy beginning blog posts in FML format (or, as some would prefer it, MLIA format) and imagining pretentious anti-trolls (who are actually as annoying as trolls) wince at the reference, the antecedent "today" applies perfectly in this anecdote. In fact, "a minute ago" works much better.
Although, since I take ages to write a blog post, by the time this is dated and published, the event will be far more than sixty seconds past.
Anyway.
Today, as I was studying for my math SATs (yeah, I know, I finally told myself to shut the hell up and start studying), I made myself some microwavable Kettle Korn as a snack. Once upon a time, I loved the fat bastards. But now, they just taste bland, greasy, cheap, and leave a terrible after-taste.
However, despite all of my mental notes to never buy or eat this popcorn again, I had three bags sitting in my pantry that just had to be devoured. As I sat trying to figure out how to solve for the fucking limit, one entire bag disappeared into the oil that lined my fingers. After a moment of stunned silence, self-loath, and slight indigestion, I decided it was definitely not worth it.
So, as I stood up, stretched, and felt another wave of indigestion, I began to think how wonderful it would be if I could rewind my life, even for just five minutes, and tell myself not to make that stupid decision I definitely will regret five minutes later. Although, knowing me, I'd make the decision anyway.
But I digress.
Laughing inwardly at the impossibility of such a feat, I began to ponder an invention that can physically remove regrettably consumed food out of stomachs, and how amazingly well it would sell.
Then I realized: duh, such an innovative invention already exists, and it's completely free! People everywhere are already enjoying the benefits of voluntarily throwing up for medically retarded reasons. What is in puke? The contents of your stomach, mixed with hydrochloric acid and, if things are really, really bad, bile. And what are the contents of my bloated stomach? Why, disgusting microwavable popcorn that I really wish I hadn't eaten!
I considered for a second if attempting to throw up the popcorn would make me bulimic.
Then I decided: hey, if it does, it'll make material for an interesting autobiography.
So I ran to the bathroom sink -- because puking in the kitchen sink is just really impolite, and stuck my finger down my throat.
- Verdict: I have practically no gag reflex.
Yeah, yeah, I giggled at the sexual implications of that too. Now shut up and get your mind out of the gutters.
After failing once and working up only some saliva, I actually tried again. And a third time. And then with my middle finger, since it's the longest digit. Then I realized -- read: vividly imagined -- how much my throat would hurt as acid passed through it, and how said acid would corrode the beautiful ceramic of the sink beneath the mildew and stains, and how I'd probably cry like a little baby at the supreme discomfort.
I like my body too much to do that to myself.
Click to enlarge. Detrimental effects of bulimia.
Feeling a mix of defeat and accomplishment, I walked into the kitchen and chugged half a gallon of orange juice straight from the carton. I figured a little extra acid can't hurt.
But seriously, Bulimia Nervousa and Anorexia Nervosa are serious issues in today's society.
I'm lucky that I am a naturally skinny Asian chick with a combination of: a good head on my shoulders, no gag reflex, and a huge appetite, that makes both bulimia and anorexia as impossible as they are inadvisable. But there are girls and boys out there who are inexplicably unhappy with who they are and how they look. But at the same time, their addiction also depresses them. It's a vicious cycle.
I hope one day people will finally learn it's okay to be themselves. As long as you are happy with who and where you are, the rest of the world can go fuck itself.
P.S. In the course of writing this mildly sarcastic and highly unprofessional blog entry, the feelings of indigestion and guilt have turned into apathy and the urge to curl up in a corner and nap like a little baby.
Oh, and I'm totally supposed to be studying right now. Ha!
Ana's Song - Silverchair
I found it after googling songs about bulimia and anorexia. It's a little too grungy and annoying for my usual taste, but I like it. Actually, I sort of love it. He has gorgeous eyes. :) And the drummer looks supremely constipated.
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