My grandfather is a great man.
He was the district manager of every single Tsing Hua book store in the Shang Dong district。 and a great scholar.
Over a hundred people from all over China attended his cremation.
He is loved and respected by even more.
He self-studied everything he's ever known.
And he loves fried fish and dried pork.
And he fathered my mother, who is the most amazing woman I know.
I miss him. I miss the insignificant little moments we've spent together, I remember every detail that has somehow escaped my mind before.
I even remember how angry he used to get when I threw away his cigarettes.
And I can't help but regret. I've never asked him to tell me about his life, which must be incredibly interesting. I've never shown him the respect that he deserves. I've never given him the love I should have.
But I was never close to him, not in the way I should or could have been.
I can't even begin to remember the sadness, pain, regret that my mother feels.
Just one last time.
She couldn't see his face for even once.
I can't help but think just how absolutely tragic that is.
Something so simple, so obvious, so... normal. To see your father before he passes. To hear his voice. To cry on your mother's shoulder after his death. To hold your sister's hand and mourn together.
None of that. Life has robbed her.
She can only cry in her little room with cheesy romance drama playing in the background. But she has me. And me, as useless as I am, can hold her. and even though all I know to do is to hold her tightly and cry, and even though I can't figure out the right words to say or the right actions to take, I'm here.
We're all still here.
But as she said, "Life goes on."
And goddamn it, it does. Life fucking goes on, as peacefully and shittily as it always did. And the rest of the world is still beautiful and nonchalant.
I can't sort my thoughts out. I can't decide whether to feel angry at the cruelty of fate, sadness and regret, comfort that he finally passed without pain after two years of struggling with cancer, or... well, I can't even think straight anymore. What else can I feel but what I am feeling right now? An indescribable feeling that sends silent tears streaming ceaselessly down my face.
He had been fighting his hardest for the past two years. This is not a loss, it wasn't unplanned or accidental. He moved on peacefully and gracefully to a better place, where he can practice calligraphy with the emperors.
I hope I never lose this feeling. I hope I never forget how it feels to cry without reason, to mourn the parting of a great soul. I don't ever, ever want to forget the day we found out my grandfather passed away.
Before today, I never knew how strong and amazing my mother is.
I love her.
and Grandpa, I love you.
The worst thing is, I can't remember if I've ever told you that before.
Oh, and I forgot that you don't speak a word of English except "Hello", "Good-bye" and "How Do You Do?"
老爷, 我爱您。对不起这辈子我没有好好的尊敬您。对不起。这辈子我浪费跟你的时间。浪费了你给我的机会。请您等等我跟妈，我们下辈子再一家团圆。请您永远都不要忘记想念您的子孙。请您在天上看着我，看着哥哥，和为我们而骄傲。
请您一路顺风，根曹操一起下棋吧。
许旭安息 1932 - 08.13.2010
The Living Years - Mike and the Mechanics
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